Mothers
Mothers. Much has been written about, dedicated to, analyzed, scrutinized and attributed to this pillar of our existence. Over the years, the cliché of the patient on the couch being asked “Why do you hate your mother?” has become as familiar as Toll House® cookies and Goodnight Moon.
We blame the ‘refrigerator mothers’ of the 50’s, working mothers in the 70’s, we point fingers at coddling, aloofness, guilt, rigidity, permissiveness. Mother’s it seems, have fought a losing battle over the years.
I admit, I did my share of “mother blame” through the therapy-laden decades in which I raised my children.
In the early years, I designed my parenting based on what I perceived as having been “wrong” or “bad” in my own upbringing. I consciously eliminated every negative and replaced it with it’s antihesis.
This was happening contemporaneously in the now adult relationship with my mother who I concluded lived her life in denial. (Yes, I bought into the 80’s like a kid and a Cabbage Patch Doll). Yet another reason to look for the antithesis!
As time went on, and I was fairly pleased with the way things were progressing with my own daughters, something very strange was happening. My daughters began to engage in a dialogue with me (no hidden agendas in THIS household!) that let me know how some of the things I did on behalf of the family might not be in everyone’s best interest.
WHAT?
Could this be so? How cruel of them! How unfair! After all I’d done for them…….oops.
Many a mother reaches this precipice: We can choose to hear what’s being said or go into defense mode and confuse the issue. Well, I have to say, deflecting did cross my mind, but that would go against what I set out to do in the beginning. Antithesis.
Turning points can show up at the most unexpected times, and this was one of them. Suddenly, I felt a true sisterhood to my mother. It became clear to me that creating a family life that you desire is more than eliminating what didn’t work, but remembering that there were some wonderful things that happened, as well. Plus, antithesis is not always an improvement.
And now? Well, for starters I’m learning to eliminate judgment of good vs. bad, wrong vs. right. Plus, over the years I’ve recognized how incredible my mother is. Her denial is merely a label I chose because I could not relate to someone who could accept things so readily and gracefully. She is loving, practical and simple. And within that simplicity is a complex, dynamic and exciting human being who taught me that everything happens for a reason, every cloud has a silver lining, and there is good in everyone. Some clichés are better than others.
Natalie Tucker Miller, IAC-CC, is an internationally recognized certified coach, instructor and coach certifier. She is the founder of UnParenting.com, a company that works with parents who are looking for alternative ways to relate, educate and/or communicate with their families, their business associates and the world. Ageless-Sages Press encourages reading to the elderly, a company that Natalie founded with her daughter, Beth Ann, a writer.
As the co-founder of Celebrity Coaching Association, Natalie powerfully, yet discreetly, offers her wisdom and support to parents who are embracing the joys and challenges of raising children and/or dealing with aging parent issues with the pressure of being in the public eye. Her client list ranges from high-profile professionals to stay-at-home parents and to teachers of all grades who are seeking ways to create and sustain powerful, effective and rewarding relationships and learning environments. She is currently serving as president for the International Association of Coaching.
Tags: coaching, families, family, how to, kids, love, mothers, parenting, psychhology, relationship, therapy